I am not a runner. Along with the fact that I don't like running, my flat feet and bad ankles have helped to ensure that I refrain from this activity. However, my new year's resolution to travel at least 2009 self-powered miles (by foot, by bike, by kayak, etc., (and when pressed for time by NordicTrack or treadmill)) this year has motivated me to run sometimes. My semi-nocturnal sleep schedule often puts me in a position where the other house inhabitants are sleeping and the NordicTrack is not an option. At such times, I most often opt for a walk or bike ride, but if I need a good calorie burn and some miles in a short time, I've come to the reluctant conclusion that running is the most efficient option.
But again, I am not a runner. So I must trick myself into this mode by coupling it with an absurdist act. And anyway, I lack proper running attire. Thus:
The HazMat suit was made in 1982 for use by the Dutch military. Three were acquired from American Science and Surplus for use as performance attire for EMMI, but Scott and Steve haven't enjoyed the heat, incovenience, discomfort, or odor of these uniforms, so they're seldom used. The teddy bear, Emmett, is Lissa's and seemed an appropriate prop with which to counterbalance the paramilitaristic connotations of the hazmat suit. The teddy bear is there to reassure everyone that it's okay--they are in the presence of a gentle guerrilla.
But the beauty of this suit is not merely cosmetic. As you might imagine if you've never tried it, this suit really ups the heat and sweat quotient of running. And the gas mask forces a kind of controlled breathing that is extremely difficult to maintain. Running in this suit, I feel like I'm in constant danger of drowning in my own sweat and suffocating in my own exhalations. So it's perfect. It makes a moderately unpleasant experience so ridiculously challenging and uncomfortable that I can't help but love it.
And so, on several occasions I've subjected neighbors and townsfolk to the spectacle of an out of shape maniac jogging around Charlottesville in this outfit. I took the costume along to Atlanta and did a post-midnight run around the campus of Georgia Tech. And I became hooked to the point that I recently went to a local running shop to have my gait analyzed and get a pair of proper running shoes.
Running in the wee hours minimizes my contact with other non-costumed humans. But I'm happy to report that among those I have encountered, the reactions have not been of fear or disgust, but of glee, laughter, and delight (or at the very least, a tentative smile). I believe our typical modes of interaction are needlessly constrained and mundane, to the point of being stifling, and that there is a serious need for at least mildly disruptive absurdity in our daily lives. I'm proud to be doing my civic duty toward this end.
While I had anticipated the possibility of being hassled by local law enforcement, a number of cops drove by me on my initial runs without so much as slowing down.
Until, outfitted with my new running shoes, and enjoying my best hazmat suit run to date, an officer of the University Police passed by me, turned on his cherries, whipped a U-ie, and pulled me over on the sidewalk of Roosevelt Brown Boulevard (right near our old place on Grove Street). He got out of the car cautiously, and told me to keep my hands where he could see them. He had me slowly remove my mask. Then he told me, "I'm going to need to look under your teddy bear, sir." For him, the teddy bear did not make it all okay, but was instead an ideal place for a perp to hide a weapon.
I asked if there was a problem; if I was violating the law in any way. Much to my surprise, he informed me that I was in violation of Virginia state law forbidding the wearing of masks in public on days other than Halloween. I questioned whether he was somehow joking, which he assured me he wasn't. I explained how this attire was absolutely essential to my training (how could I possibly run a marathon in this suit if I couldn't train in it?!?). He encouraged me to find a gym(!). We went back and forth a little longer, me trying to find some loophole that would make running in the gas mask legal, and him assuring me there wasn't. The officer was very civil and respectful, and seemed to have my safety in mind--he was convinced that some of his colleagues in the C'ville PD would react much more harshly should they encounter me. He didn't charge me with anything, and let me go on the condition that I promise not to put the mask back on. I complied, and walked home disheartened and no longer in the mood to run.
Returning home, I jumped online to do some research. Sure enough:
VIRGINIA Section 18.2-422:
Prohibition of wearing of masks in certain places; exceptions.
It shall be unlawful for any person over sixteen years of age while wearing any mask, hood or other device whereby a substantial portion of the face is hidden or covered so as to conceal the identity of the wearer, to be or appear in any public place, or upon any private property in this Commonwealth without first having obtained from the owner or tenant thereof consent to do so in writing. However, the provisions of this section shall not apply to persons (i) wearing traditional holiday costumes; (ii) engaged in professions, trades, employment or other activities and wearing protective masks which are deemed necessary for the physical safety of the wearer or other persons; (iii) engaged in any bona fide theatrical production or masquerade ball; or (iv) wearing a mask, hood or other device for bona fide medical reasons upon the advice of a licensed physician or osteopath and carrying on his person an affidavit from the physician or osteopath specifying the medical necessity for wearing the device and the date on which the wearing of the device will no longer be necessary and providing a brief description of the device. The violation of any provisions of this section shall constitute a Class 6 felony.
A Class 6 felony? As in, a crime worthy of prison time and the loss of voting rights?!? Wow. Turns out, VA and several other states adopted such laws decades back to help rid themselves of the KKK. While I'm all for getting rid of the klan, and this may have been an expedient means to that end, I'm appalled at the degree to which this law constrains free expression. Let me be clear--I may occasionally write letters to elected officials when I disagree with their actions or policies, and from time to time will join friends in taking to the streets to protest unjust, unnecessary wars. But when, in a supposedly free country, it is deemed unlawful to peaceably don a mask, the core of my being is offended, and I will act accordingly to fight this with all available means. As my mentor at the University of Oregon once said, everyone has to be a passionate activist for some cause. Jeff is anti-tofu. I'm pro-mask.
Now, had I been familiar with this law on the night of my run in with the man, I would have been able to defend my mask as lawful on several counts:
per exception (i) wearing traditional holiday costumes:
The officer in question can be forgiven for being unfamiliar with the customs of The Church of 82, the Most Exalted Arbitrarily Chosen Number of Cosmic Significance, of which I am founder, head, and ordained reverend. But let it be known that donning a gas mask, teddy bear, and associated accouterments and engaging in the act of running, "anywhere, anytime, and for no reason at all" (in tribute to Zappa) is a well established holiday tradition among our faithful.
as to exception (ii) engaged in professions, trades, employment or other activities and wearing protective masks which are deemed necessary for the physical safety of the wearer or other persons:
Robots are dangerous. That's why the members of EMMI are supposed to wear their hazmat suits at all times. While Scott and Steve may be cavalier about their personal well-being, "safety first" has always been my motto, and I'll be damned if I'm going to let our beloved but sinister machines launch a sneak attack on me while I'm out running.
perhaps most obviously, (iii) engaged in any bona fide theatrical production or masquerade ball:
How the officer failed to appreciate his unwitting participation in an act of street theater is beyond me. To make this clearer in the future, I've made some new business cards:
(it's difficult to capture well with my camera, but the engraved acrylic is designed to show up well under a maglight. I've added "street performer" to my list of specialties to clarify the theatrical nature and intent of my runs.)and finally,(iv) wearing a mask, hood or other device for bona fide medical reasons upon the advice of a licensed physician or osteopath and carrying on his person an affidavit from the physician or osteopath specifying the medical necessity for wearing the device and the date on which the wearing of the device will no longer be necessary and providing a brief description of the device:
I'm looking for a licensed physician willing to write a note explaining how my poor physical fitness and unique psychological disposition necessitate the wearing of this apparatus indefinitely. Please get in touch with me if you can connect me with such a doctor.
And, should I be stopped again for this infraction, and my legitimate exceptions not be recognized, all the better. While the law has apparently already been unsuccessfully challenged in the Virginia Court of Appeals and US District Court, I can think of several local free expression advocates who would love to take it to the next level.
So on that note, I best get back to getting some of my degree requirements out of the way so I can clear my schedule a bit in preparation for this potentially lengthy court battle. And continue to spread love and joy to humans and kittens alike.
